Remember how I told you how I have a bad habit of making homes out of human beings? Well, I’ve made a permanent nest in my best friend Shaquelle’s presence. We met in second year in POL200 through a mutual friend and have been inseparable since. The first thing we ever bonded over was Plato’s Republic. Our first hangout was a photoshoot session at Philosopher’s Walk.
I went to my first EVER extracurricular event, the ES&L High Table, with her. Everything I’ve done at U of T, she was right there beside me always. And now here we are, a few months from graduation, with me moving to a new city for grad school and her taking a year off, and I can’t help but start to feel the separation anxiety. The thought of a year without her, of not seeing her almost every day, makes me so sad. I miss her the second she leaves.
She prays for me to find love; she’s always been there for me when it seemed like no one else was; she offered me her lunches when she knew I was not eating; she accompanied me like a big sister to my photoshoot for the Athletic Centre when I told her how nervous I was. I cannot imagine a life without her. She can sense when I’m about to have an anxiety attack, knows when I’m on auto-pilot and can even read my mind sometimes. Boy talks, lunches at Sid Smith (poutine for me and Spring Rolls for her),endless conversations about the effects of colonialism on one’s sense of self…ahhhh. She’s been there for me through the crazy highs and lows of my undergrad. She’s my wingwoman, my sister, my personal hype-woman, my doppleganger and my other half. I want her to be a bridesmaid at my wedding, a Godmother to my children, the planner of my divorce party etc. I love her like family. I wish that you find a friend like Shaquelle during your time at UofT.
And I’m excited to live it up this summer and CELEBRATE. But what about after this summer? I’m going to be so far away. I can feel the loneliness already. I know that this is how it is. After middle school, after high school and now after undergrad. The time has come to move on and we can’t take all of it with us. I know there’s always skype. But it’s not the same. I hate distance. Everyone I love is going to be so far away – scattered across the globe. It’s selfish of me to want to keep them all close to me (that would be like caging butterflies).
And what about everyone else I’ve made a home out of here? What is going to happen when they all leave? Who will hold my hand through the suffering that awaits me? Who will tell me I can do it when I don’t think I can anymore? Who will pick me up when I fall down?
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to stand on my own just yet.