The last few weeks have been very weird for me. Class attendance was abysmal, settled for B+s and gave up on trying for As, was eating one meal a day, cried way too many tears and slept when I was too tired to cry….I fell off the grid for a while. I was so close to giving up. To quote Rousseau, I felt like I was living on a strange planet after falling from the one I knew. I don’t know what happened; I just stopped caring for others and felt a consuming loneliness in every footstep. It was disorientation; I did not know how to make sense of my actions any more – a growing meaninglessness. My friends felt it, I felt it and my parents felt it. I think what messed me up was not being able to be there for my dad’s recovery as much as I had been able to be during winter break. I went from seeing him every day to seeing him once a week. And so, things like school, extracurriculars and meeting all became so meaningless.
I also realized that I really did want to pursue a career in public interest law (as much as I want to pursue a career in academic teaching legal/political theory) and the LSAT failures were something I had not properly addressed yet (if law is for me, then I will be patient and try again after my masters in political theory). Completely dismissing it as an option is what I do when I sense rejection. Last semester, I did not have enough time to process the thoughts of not being good enough.
For now, I have no idea what the next year holds for me. I may be doing a Master’s in BC, in law school, taking a year off or even moving to a random country for absolutely no purpose at all. I’ve found comfort in the uncertainty. My dad tells me I should do what makes me happy right now and worry about tomorrow’s happiness later. I learned something this weekend. If you let yourself get lost inside yourself, you get disconnected from the external realm. Why alienate yourself and enter into the abyss? My dad taught me a very beautiful lesson this weekend. He said to me:
“Life is transition. You wake up in the morning and sleep at night. Live within those two points. Live in 1 day. Do not ruin your life with excessive rumination. Even the strongest person cannot carry the weight of tomorrow. Did you appreciate the sunlight this morning? Do what you love, the world is free for you to fly. Everyday can be beautiful if you live in it and not tomorrow. Keep sight on what happens between this morning and your bedtime tonight if you want to find contentment. How can you feel satisfied with what you did today, if you are so busy stressing about what you need to do tomorrow?”
Life is so much simpler than what I make it out to be in my head. Why leave the world of light for a world of darkness? How can I appreciate the beauty of life outside myself if I am always lost in inwardness? I haven’t gazed at the stars in months! I haven’t visited my favourite tree in the middle of Queen’s Park since last semester. I haven’t even taken the time to reciprocate the love and support my friends have been showering me with through the pain. From packing me lunch, giving me pep talks, distracting me from my thoughts, to listening to me vent, I love the people at U of T so much. It is completely selfish of me to think I can just withdraw into myself and wallow in pity and act like there are no consequences. I have little sisters to inspire, students to lead, friends to encourage and humankind to teach. I let a lot of people down with my attitude and self-defeatism.
I was pregnant–in the Nietzschean sense. Stuffed with thoughts, yet impotent. The time has come to RELEASE MY WILL INTO THE WORLD – again. I need to try to enjoy my (hopefully) last semester UofT. I have a bucket list to complete! And I think it is about time I stop being such a COWARD. I am sick of being afraid, of the future, of friends, of professors, of grad students, of guys, of people.
I’m trying something NEW for a change! Its called BRAVERY an FEARLESSNESS. I am now a mentor for the AMAZING Trinity-Victoria program Humanities for Humanity, I’m going to try out squash with @chris_uoft , I didn’t have an anxiety attack after a 20-minute seminar presentation for my graduate course, I offered to write the first discussion paper before the course even started and I am going to take tons of other high risks with high rewards!
I’ve discovered an odd sense of fearlessness by trying to live in the day. Expectations are the root of so much disappointment and when I live for the moment in the moment, with no crazy expectations, I find that I get more out of the moment and feel more content. If I want to do something, I am going to do it. If I like a guy, I am going to tell him straight up. If I feel lonely, I am going to fit in time for friends during my breaks at school. I am going to try new foods, think harder and search for new experiences and rare minds to explore.
It took me a month but I am finally in back-to-school mode ahah.
IT’S TIME FOR ME TO GET MY GROOVE BACK.