Not Very Upbeat at the Moment

Last... Thursday, I attended an entrepreneurship lecture entitled “"Exploring the opportunities and challenges of starting and managing a video games studio" by Tom Frencel, a U of T computer science graduate and president of Capybara Games Inc. I ran to the designated lecture hall in the Sanford Fleming building, and surprisingly managed not to get lost. I figured the lecture (starting at 5) would go until 7; it was currently 6. Alas, it turned out I got there at the end. Q & A was wrapped up within 20 minutes. Had my sloppy time management led to my missing another enlightening experience? No. Upon leaving, I met with two other utgddc members; which was funny, because the lecture was the same time as the utgddc meeting. We engaged in chat, and I learned of the alleged dinner happening after the lecture. "Are you going to the dinner?" "Wh-" Hearing 'dinner', I pictured... a restaurant. Free food at a restaurant? Lunchless Liesl at 6:20pm? Am I right? Being me, though, I asked a bunch of paranoid questions; "Do we have to pay?" (as envisioned going to the Ritz) "Did we have to sign up?" "Will I be taking someone's place?" "What if I have to leave? Would that be a waste?" "Uhh.... just... just come." I got free dinner. Dinner being cold cut wrap things that were more lunch than dinner, but I'm not complaining! It was free lunch/dinner. I cannot delineate the entire discussion to you. I have not the will, nor brain power at this precise moment. Nor do I believe you will enjoy any more game-related jargon/anecdotes. It was informative. Very. - It was almost too informative. I would rather experiment than read instructions when I can (e.g., when not operating heavy machinery), and I have a natural rebellious streak: not stereotypically loud and rude*, but resistant. I, at some magically triggered moment, can also be creative, driven and maybe even gutsy. One would figure I'd be just perfect for entrepreneurship. Maybe. Maybe not. - Anyway, I walked to the subway station with Katie (utgddc vice-prez, w00t). She's also an artist, and turns out we have a lot in common. - "Do you ever find yourself getting frustrated with (such and such an artistic concept) when you're trying to come up with (such and such a philosophical concept)?" - "OMG YES THAT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME" - "I KNOWWW!" - "It's like I'm trying to work out the (such and such about a profound state of mind) and I wind up (such and such an artistic obstacle), every time!" - "I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN!" - "GAAAHHHH!" - There was a lot of this. But one thing that stuck out for me was when Katie mentioned having enough passion to pursue art seriously. Surrounding this was a conversation on subject posts, what skills one would have/have not, outside influences (I think). - When something is your passion, it's your life. It's everything. You do it all the time, think about it all the time, whether you want to or not. It's like breathing. It's just there. You don't hate, or love it, it's just there. You are it. You should be willing to bite and scream and kick and eat people and fight the universe for it. I didn't. - A couple of hours ago, I was confused, despite having not moved from my position in my room in front of my laptop surrounded by papers and books and stupid pens and mugs and my own general filth, and I figured maybe I could doodle to blow off some steam. Then I thought, "No. If I try to draw, I'll get angry." - Does that even make sense? - What was once my passion makes me... angry. What I used to get so much joy out of, to the point where did it whenever I was sitting; it makes me angry. - The plan was to continue visual art 'on the side', like it was my mistress, and by the end of 'fourth' year we'd be involved enough for me to apply to some kind of art college and do the artsy side of game design. I'm not improving. My demonic time management skills don't allow for that. After all, it's 4:19 am, I have an essay on existence due today, and guess what? THE ESSAY DOESN'T EXIST. - Even if I have artistic talent, I don't have the diligence for it to go anywhere. That was announced to me a couple of years ago. And last year, when I decided to listen to my mom and dad when they said that a major or minor in art was a bad idea, would get me nowhere, of course, wording it as, "It's your choice, but when we're dead and you have no skills..."; that kind of proved it. Of course, one of them is now actually dead. If I had the passion, I would have done it anyway. Yeah, I'd have no practical skills. Hey, maybe it was a good idea I didn't take it. But what kind of job is an English major going to get me? - Art is barely self-expression, for me, because I don't have the technical skills to draw what I feel, nor the willpower/patience to make something look the way I envision it. Perfectionism has taught me that certain things have to look a certain way; a cat, an anime-styled eye, an abstract letter, my mental picture, doesn't matter. It's BS if it looks like anything else. Unfortunately, the true nature of artistic expression seems to be that you make something look as it does in your mind. You are not drawing the thing, you are drawing a representation of the thing. I can't grasp this. I can't even describe my own self-loathing, at my art and myself. - What does this have to do with an informative, overall pleasing lecture and game design club and school? Is this just a blown-up, self-centered extreme version of the second-year "omg i haz subject post iz it teh rite won" situation? I don't know what this has to do with anything. I think I just really want to finish and not-go to bed. I'll believe in myself next week. Don't you love how any-pain-at-all's credibility can be negated with the word 'emo'?

1 comment on “Not Very Upbeat at the Moment

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  1. Don’t you love how your passion is usually the ONE thing that you feel you can’t live off of?

    I love it. Every second.

    But Liesl, if you are like me (and I know you are like my alter ego since you are ACTUALLY in English), keep in mind that nothing is black and white. I have a tendency to see things that way and I must admit that I’m very much a perfectionist also and it’s screwed me over too many times in the past, because I did try to pursue perfection and ended up with nothing but. Give your thoughts…some room, if you know what I mean. Just, don’t hold onto one thought and think it’s all or nothing. There’s always a way to be doing what you love, and maybe it doesn’t need to be a full-time career? I think everyone is good at several things, because usually one talent inspires another. I think…if you really love doing something…nothing will make you give it up fully. It takes a fair amount of inner strength to be able to hold onto it always, but…honestly, sometimes I feel like I’m presented with 2 choices: to let it go and focus on what I’m doing in school 100% and never consider writing anymore, or to keep it along the side and at least get through with science even if that means my grades suffer a little because let’s face it, my brain can’t switch back and forth easily between something so intuitive and something so fact-based and so logical. And I look at my two options, and I always, always realize that I’d rather have the latter. It’s kind of a sacrifice…but if I don’t do this, I think I’ll just end up being really bitter and depressed.

    I hope I made sense 0_0