My dad always says: “if you are too busy focusing on whats on the plate of another, then the food on your own plate will go cold” or something like that. Lately, I’ve been feeling like the ultimate loser. I don’t know where my life is going. I feel like my degree is worthless in the sense that I have no idea how to convert it into a “future”. I have no idea how to start planning what I am going to be doing next year. I feel like my chances at my dream future (the one first year me used to think about) have been unfairly tampered with because of the craziness that is my personal situation. And I keep thinking that its just not fair that I have to deal with so much and be expected to compete with people with easier lives for the same opportunities.
The universe has presented me with three opportunities: 1) What my parents want, 2)What I think I want and 3) What I really need. But I feel like that I’m either 1) not ready to make the commitment, 2) not willing to settle for less than the best and 3) scared to take a year off because I have no idea how I would spend all that time.
And it doesn’t help that my Facebook feed is full of “I GOT A JOB AT ___” “I JUST GOT INTO LAW SCHOOLLL X” “I’M GOING TO ___ FOR GRAD SCHOOL”. I can’t help but feel like everything I’ve done in the last four years was meaningless because I am graduating now with no idea how to convert it into a future.
SUPER FLAWED THINKING
You know why?
1) Because I am understanding all of the moments of my four years and the experiences as a means to an end. The university experience is not supposed to be an input-output transaction. And its silly of me to value the worth of my undergraduate experiences based on whether I got into the post-grad school or the job of my dreams or whether my post-grad life is all nicely planned.
2) I need to stop comparing myself to others! It is eating me alive! Just because other people don’t have a similar situation as mine, does not necessarily mean that their lives are easier. Everybody is suffering (its a part of the human condition) not in different quantities, but in different qualities. To say that my life is harder than yours, is to undermine and de-legitimate the experiences of another–which is not cool SARAH ! And just because A, B and C got their dream post-grad output does not mean that my future is doomed. My time will come.
3) I also need to stop stressing about planning the future. I honestly never know what I’m really going to do until I am actually doing it. And I think that is the case for everyone. This year was full of so much heartbreak rooted in unmet expectations and failed planning. I just don’t want to plan anymore, I just want to DO.
4) And my final worry, separation anxiety. Why is it that when at the end of the year you always end up getting super close with all of your friends and everything seems to be good in terms of your social life? Only this time, its not the end of the year, I’m not going to see a lot of my friends in September…maybe never again. And that is freaking me out.
Looks like I’m my own worst enemy once again. I’m trying to get out of the post-grad funk but first, I need to finish a few 15-pagers and then I can process and mediate on the despair.
Are we on the same page fellow fourth-years?