If you’ve ever met me you know that I always have a looot of energy and seem to be in a constant state of excitement. Life is exciting, and the labour of continuing my existence excites me. But my energy levels upset the flow of sociality. I’m way too happy in the mornings (what’s wrong with celebrating the birth of a day?), I’m too animated (cartoon-like mannerisms), my eyebrows move way too much when I speak and I talk way too fast. It’s because I’m like really excited and I want to excite whoever is in my company too. Agh wish I wasn’t so self-aware. Dancing on the subway, singing aloud, smiling at strangers, breaking the ice before tutorials and laughing out loud randomly concerns people for some reason. Why do we take ourselves so seriously… especially at U of T.
“Oh look at me I’m a student get out of my way I have x many papers to write my life is more important than yours get out of my way!”
All I’ve done this reading week so far is hang out with friends, longer hospital shifts and re-watch one of my most favourite films: Garden State. In the film Natalie Portman’s character Sam says to Zach Braff’s character Andrew:
“If you can’t laugh at yourself, life’s gonna seem a whole lot longer than you like…What do you do? You laugh. I’m not saying I don’t cry but in between I laugh and I realize how silly it is to take anything too seriously.”
That’s why I laugh so loudly and smile way too widely… not because my life is rainbows and unicorns but because its all I can really do. When I get a bad grade, I laugh. When I screw up a huge presentation, I laugh. When I get bad news from the hospital and still have two classes to get through, I laugh. Not in a “I’m too cool for school, whatever” laugh, but a “That’s life, you win some you lose some” kind of way!
Did you know I used to be the funniest kid back in the day. I always had a joke or witty comeback for everything. I was comfortable in the spotlight, enjoyed being loud and was not as insecure. And then first year happened and I began to consciously control all of my energy. I find myself constantly trying to confine who I am to fit the image of a serious hard working student who doesn’t have time for fun just because everyone else seems to be so good at it. Agh, I guess I’m trying to become one with the masses. Don’t laugh too loudly, don’t sing too loudly, don’t dance, don’t move so much, don’t shake so much…are all things I consciously say to myself in the day to make sure others are comfortable in my presence. The last thing I want is my energy levels to annoy them. I know there’s something wrong with this train of thought. I’m working on it!
But I’m so sick of hiding all of my energy! I am sick of being ashamed of how excited I am abut life! I am going to PROUDLY jam to Prince on the subway. I am going to laugh out loudly whenever a happy thought enters my mind and not care about who is watching.
And I encourage you all to do the same! U of T, this week all I have to say is, don’t take yourself too seriously. Don’t be afraid to be silly and do something crraaay craayy once in a while! One of my favorite parts in the film is when Sam tells Andrew to do something random, like make a weird sound or something because:
“”You know what I do when I’m feeling completely unoriginal… I make a noise or I do something that no one else has ever done. And then I feel like… unique again; even if only for a second. This is your one opportunity to do something that no one has ever done before and that no one will copy throughout human existence. And if nothing else, you will be remembered as the one guy who ever did this. This one thing.”
I’m going to try harder to be the girl I loved. I’m done with trying to be serious, I just cant. The insides of my cheeks are cut up from all the biting I’ve been doing to hold in all the smiles. TIME TO UNLEASH THE ENERGY!