We all have those days.
You know what I'm talking about: days when you are so stressed you wonder why you were even born, why somehow you were dealt all of Fate's crap cards in one blow, why you deserve this mess that is your life. Days when it feels like if you dare to face reality even for a little bit, everything would immediately spiral out of control and then--shattering, oppressing, hopeless darkness.
Under these circumstances, the effects of all these "blehs" are actually synergistic in their power to break us, even if it's just temporary. Sometimes, for me, it becomes so depressing that, unable to be grateful for anything in my life, I literally start numbering off my various sources of woe inside my head and thus subject myself to even greater distress. This is the point when I break into tears.
I think I probably set the ultimate record for crying in campus public space. I mean, let's be honest here, it's not like crap plans its arrival around the times of day when you're within the comfort of your own home. I certainly don't enjoy crying in public, although I do slightly enjoy the refreshing feeling of overwhelming despair whenever students pass by me with blank expressions on their faces, and pretend to not have just witnessed the very evidence of the transient, primordial nature of humanity. It worsens the feeling loneliness and isolation, and makes me disappointed in people in general.
When I've tired myself out and wept away most of my inner angst, I usually calm down and start to think more clearly. Over time, I've come to realize that after feeling broken or wounded, we try to resist pain by inducing apathy upon ourselves. I start regretting putting too much faith into people, into fate, into all that I had set out to make my life to be, and the loneliness I feel usually stems from that stereotypical feeling that "nobody cares about me".
Sometimes this leaves me bitter (actually, more like all the time), but when I do end up coming to my senses, I would ask myself: "And what makes you think they should?" The honest truth is that, in this world, you are the only person you can fully depend on. Sure, you can be there for whoever you want, give love to whoever you want--be it your parents, your best friend or the love of your life--but giving is only the easy part of unconditional love. The tough part is learning to not expect reciprocity--and sadly, we often do and we do it subconsciously. In that sense, we each reserve the right to be just a little bit "selfish", because it is impossible to see the justice in unconditional love when we end up depriving ourselves of what we so freely give to others around us. Simply put, nobody is going to save you--you either do it yourself, or you are screwed.
So this was my epiphany of the day, as I stood outside the third floor reading room in Robarts, hyperventilating into my cell phone and rapidly wiping my face free of tears every five seconds: appreciate the love and care that others give you, but when your world collapses, don't just automatically expect anyone to rush to your side and take you to a better place. Instead, put all the energy used for self-pitying into rebuilding your life, and make each breath count. You really are your own best friend, and if you don't take care of yourself, nobody else will*.
--Lucy
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*I also learned today that non-waterproof mascara doesn't run as badly as they do in movies! Seriously, CoverGirl Volumnexact Mascara is awesome.
11 comments on “I love you, but I love me more”
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No matter what, we have to learn from our losses and victory, and move forward because no one will do it for us. But I think, as humans, we want to be loved and love, but of course unconditional love is the hardest. While its true that you are the most dependable person to yourself, friends can help lessen that burden 🙂 Finding a true friend is like finding a precious gem. Keep it close to you.
LOL!!!
That mascara part killed it
I sometimes feel like helping people who are crying on the bench, or in the TTC. you can tell they are miserable and hurt, or upset at something. but then there is a fear of society calling you the wierdo who does not mind his/her own business. Its Not only that unconditional love is hard to find, but when we do find it, unfortunately, it is also suspected the most. That’s the society we live in, where selfless acts are not encouraged, even if its selfless, one must frame it so that it looks as if its not. sometimes I wonder, am I willing to accept someone’s “selfless” love…?
Dear Nathan: You are absolutely right. Thank you for your words of wisdom. I think when people are upset they tend to think in a more absolute fashion (yes or no, black or white, now or never, etc), when in reality things are rarely as extreme as they first come across as being, and often, even the ppl who have hurt us a lot (whether intentionally or unintentionally) deserve a second chance.
Ingrid: I was trying to make the tone less depressing, but I guess it backfired lol.
If the tears ever take over and you are close to my office, you can always visit and use my office as quiet respite even if just for a few minutes. We often have chocolate chip cookies which is really good for bringing smiles back and an extraordinary stock of tissues!
Dear Cheryl,
Where is this office of yours?
Thank you Cheryl! I’ll definitely keep this option in mind 🙂
ingrid:
It’s here.
Dear Stream,
I completely understand where you are coming from. I guess it’s a feeling, like where you feel like your place is in this situation. I would normally just offer someone Kleenex lol. I think that does the job of showing you care without risking too much.
“That’s the society we live in, where selfless acts are not encouraged, even if its selfless, one must frame it so that it looks as if its not.” Really? Hmm I don’t see things this way because I don’t consciously label my own acts or other ppl’s acts as being “selfless” or not. I wouldn’t try to frame it so it looks selfless, because I don’t really know what a selfless act would look like to other ppl. The only thing I know for sure is how I feel when I give unconditionally, and I think that’s often where problems occur–because ppl don’t necessarily realize you feel this way when you are doing the giving.
I hope I made sense!
Erika:
I know that you made a comment here but sadly I don’t know where it went (although I definitely got an e-mail notification about it). Thank you so much for your uplifting comment! It really meant a lot to me 🙂
Lucy
I need to say tnx to you. since I read it, I feel a bit calm down. Sadly, bad things usually all coming along together and you don’t get a time to even breath. the worst part is not knowing what to do.
But time heals everything, bring sense to us and helps to make a right move.
Thank you for your comment Sam! It was very heart-warming, and I sincerely hope that things get better for you soon 🙂 And trust me, they usually do.