I know I hide it well with my inappropriate sense of humour and infinite smile. But let’s be real, I’ve never been a “mentally stable” person; my heart palpitations are too strong and my thoughts tend to be too dark. I feel too much and think too much. And every time I let the darkness consume me, the chance of getting lost in it absolutely increases. This semester has been the most challenging period of my life so far. From my family situation changing drastically, to commuting for the first time, to screwing up the LSAT to having to keep up with 6 courses with everything going on–it was INTENSE. Not just physically and mentally, but spiritually. To be honest I did not believe in myself at all after August. My faith, my self-esteem and my mental health barely existed. No matter how much I smiled, tears were always just one thought away.
I don’t think I was depressed, I was just struggling. The first day of school, I ran out of my political science class and experienced my first panic attack. I cried on every commute in September thinking about what my life had become. I skipped my graduation photos because I didn’t feel worthy. And every time I fell, I fantasized about never getting back up. I was bullying myself because of my feelings of inadequacy, the pressure and I blamed myself for things beyond my control. I think its because before second year there were a lot of forces in my life which used to belittle me every time I succeeded – a bad habit I have internalized to an extent that I myself belittle all that is good in me to make sure I am never too confident or proud.
But in the here and now, I am the happiest I have ever been. And somehow, I did it. I survived. Not only did I survive, but the struggle has helped me become a new person—sublation I tell ya! Someone I am not ashamed of. Someone who I think is beautiful. Someone whose inwardness is self-critical but not self-destructive. I’m just in a really good place right now. For the first time of my life, I feel enough.
And a lot of it is because of your unconditional love, support and positive energy UofT. I don’t mean the institution; I mean the people. Some of you I have met only once, others I have known since first year, some of you only speak to me online, some of you I know like the back of my hand and some of you are just random well-wishers. Every YOU CAN DO IT, good luck message, compliment, word of advice, smile—every single act has helped me get out of dark episodes. You have no idea how much your little acts of kindness have helped me. There were times where I did not want to live any more and one of your acts of kindness would immediately remind me about how beautiful life is. And so I thank you all below.
You all had hope in me, even when I did not have faith in myself. You believe in me, more than I believe in myself. I promise to never let you down. I promise to bear the weight of your love and support in every action of mine from this day on. I promise to stay true to myself, and in doing so be an even better friend, mentor and source of positivity and inspiration in your life.
Thank you so much people at U of T for bringing so much light into my life during one of the darkest episodes of my life. You are all the well-wishing audience to the theatre that is my life. You fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness–ease my trouble that’s what you do. You fill my life with laughter, and somehow you make it better. And I promise to continue performing, as long as it inspires you to continue being beautiful. The reason I bare my soul and weaknesses through my blog posts and tweets is that I know that it may help or inspire someone experiencing the same kind of darkness as me. All I needed this semester was someone to do that for me, and you all were that someone. And so, I am forever your well-wisher.
Thank You Notes
My Twitter family: I love you so much. The exact minute I received bad news, you all shower me with the most beautiful words of inspiration and motivation. Thank you so much for allowing me to be heard and for unconditionally supporting me and wishing me well. I don’t care that all this lovin is online. You are all friends to me and deserve an entire chapter in my upcoming memoir: St.George St. You hold a special place in my heart because you are literally this beautiful force that moves me through Life @ U of T. When I fall down, you lift me up ever so gracefully. @sohanii @musing_ego @feliciakosk @acaciaaaaa @sarahjevnikar @ukanadian86 @jesicaminerva @bigmacguinness @theoren91 @rainbowserena @cyrusR @mayyce and to every single one of my 866 friends, THANK YOU.
Student Life Community Crew: Chris G, Tricia, Vahini, Chris, Crystal, Theo, Abdullah, Shak, Lesia, Vivian, Lori, Khevna, Ishita, Matteo. You have no idea how grateful I am for our weekly meetings on Monday. Best way to start my week. The amount of positive energy I absorb from our meetings helps me get through the week. I love us. Thank you for believing in me and always reminding me that my presence is meaningful.
Ethics, Society and Law Students’ Association: To the exec, to the students and to the people who come out to our events. You all are a source of support and positivity in my life. I love organizing and planning events for you; it gives my life so much purpose. And I find so much satisfaction in facilitating bridging and bonding between you all. Our program is such a beautiful source of community for me.
Professor Miedema: Thank you for believing in me, helping me plan out my life and listening to me vent about my frustrations. You have been such a wonderful source of guidance and support on this journey and for that I am so grateful. Thank you for always going above and beyond your role as a professor and being a mentor. I think U of T should give you an award because you have positively influenced the lives of SO MANY students.
My FLC Mentees: I love you all so much. You all are so beautiful and it makes me so happy to see how beautifully you have all come into your own. In helping you realize and actualize your potential, I realized my own sense of worth and potentiality. Running into you on campus, catching up, and yes, occasionally stalking your FB profiles makes me so happy. I don`t know why but I just find so much joy in the fact that you are all doing so well, considering how nervous and anxious you were about university in first year. I am forever your mentor, and always at your disposal.
And a Shoutout to my amazing friends: Anna, Jessica, Shaquelle, Sonya, Grace and Shbina for being my anchors this semester! <3
Thank you, friends. I look forward to completing my last semester at UofT with all of you as the wind beneath my wings. Best of luck with exams and final papers. and HAPPY WINTER BREAK. See you in the new year…that is if 2012 doesn’t happen first. I’m KIDDING.