Real life, is really anything I consider beyond the bubble of my undergraduate walls, and it seems horrifying. Especially when often enough it feels like all I hear about is:
a) the economy isn’t doing well
b) so the job market isn’t doing well either
c) so more people are going back to school, making admissions even more competitive
d) but school costs a lot, so you’ll need to get a great job once school is over/or before you start…(Loans don’t pay themselves!) except
e) the economy…THE ECONOMY!
The fact of the matter is, anything to do with my future flat-out scares me. It straight-out terrifies me, and just makes me me anxious enough to try and avoid facing the issue, for well, as long as possible.
Reading what Sarah had to say – as my eyes reached new limits with how wide they could get- had me realizing that I could run no longer, and it was time to face the real world of making decisions. Being 20, in my opinion, is simply too early to have to figure anything out. I feel like my biggest problem should be what type of maki I want for dinner, not when I want to write a test that decides my future. Of course, I never have trouble deciding on maki, and writing the LSAT is freshly on the horizon admidst joining UofT’s pre-law society and creating an account at LSAC.
As I frantically thought about having to make these proactive decsions at 3am, I realized that I’m really just running from it because of the number one phobia at U of T: failure.
A friend once told me she read that people procrastinate as a way out of reasoning with yourself if you didn’t do well on that test. “Oh, I didn’t do so well but like, I only had four hours to study that night for it…” And, that’s kind of what I’m doing now. I’m afraid to think about any option that doesn’t involve being a couch potato, fearing that while I may want to go here and do this, they may not want me.
And the way I use procrastination as a catalyst for my fears of failure is a car I’ve been trying to drive for years. Except, this isn’t an essay I have to do or an assignment to complete. Walking the fine line on something so crucial and attempting to gamble it away on doubt because I’m afraid of the outcome is almost pathetic of me to do, especially with the work I’ve put in for the last few years as an undergrad.
So I guess it’s time to put on my big girl pants and accept that while I don’t need to have all of the answers, maybe it’s time I started asking the questions.