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<\/a>\r\n\r\nWith everything going on in my life, I feel like I have forgotten how to be 21 years old. Most of my free time is spent on reflective withdrawal or dialogical soul searching. I have\u00a0four time slots in my timetable available for socializing and they usually consist of 1-on-1 discussions on shifts in consciousness, motivational pep talks or conspiracy theories. If I\u2019ve learned anything from The Hills, it must be that when you are the event planner\/host, you just can\u2019t enjoy yourself like the guests; so, during events for my extracurriculars, I have to be super observational of the social capital levels in the room, the food consumption, the conversation etc. to make sure everyone is enjoying themselves. I really can\u2019t remember the last time I went out with a group of friends (probably in\u00a0first year).\r\n\r\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/blogs.studentlife.utoronto.ca\/lifeatuoft\/files\/2012\/11\/soc-awk-sarah-3.png\")
<\/a>\r\n\r\nLack of experience in socializing in groups beyond what my roles require of me is just getting really really awkward in\u00a0fourth year, now that everybody somehow knows each other and group conversations are inevitable. I find myself withdrawing, awkwardly hovering and just being super awkward when more than three becomes a crowd. And what makes it worse is that I know too much about people. I remember almost every detail of every encounter I have, so that comment you made in a class\u00a0first year, yep I probably will bring it up in\u00a0fourth year. Or what you posted on FB a month ago, yep I will bring that up too. And I will also quote your tweets to you. And the pitch of your laugh, already\u00a0analysed\u00a0as genuine, reactive or hearty. Creepy, yes. Every person has special folder in my mind in which I store facts about your upbringing, your mannerisms, my favourite outfits of yours, your hairstyles etc. INFORMATION OVERLOAD.\r\n\r\nAnd my social cues\u2026.what social cues? 1-on-1\u00a0 I am great with reading emotions and cues. But in a group, it can get disastrous.\u00a0 I usually end up talking SUPER fast, about myself and my voice gets really high. Not because I\u2019m nervous, but because I put my brain into auto-pilot mode because I don\u2019t really know what people my age talk about. The way\u00a0 I speak, what I say, how I say it and my mannerisms throw people off\u2014and I get the feeling that I upset the flow of sociality. My heart yearns for a true group dialogue in which my actions and words fit perfectly in the norm for social behaviour. (HOW AWKWARD IS THIS DREAM?). Or at least where my awkwardness is not a crutch to engagement.\r\n\r\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/blogs.studentlife.utoronto.ca\/lifeatuoft\/files\/2012\/11\/soc-awk-sarah-2.png\")
<\/a>\r\n\r\nTruth is, I just don\u2019t have the energy to talk about mundane subjects like the weather, current news or popular culture. My mind is often consumed by big scary questions about our place in the world and the human condition. My life nowadays is hospital, school, and home\u2014 seriously lacking FUN. And I really need to lighten up! But how?!\r\n\r\nI NEED YOUR HELP U of T !!\r\n\r\nHow do\u00a0 I be 21? What should I be doing at my age? What do you talk about with your friends outside of your academic or professional roles? How can I \u00a0be less awkward?!\r\n\r\nSome fun social facts about me:\r\n\r\nI\u2019ve never been to a club in Canada.\r\n\r\nI\u2019ve never drank alcohol.\r\n\r\nI don\u2019t have a solid group of friends (just a whole lot of individual friends, I hang out with 1-on-1).\r\n\r\nI casually bring up political philosophy in everyday conversations.\r\n\r\nI eat really slowly, which looks really awkward and weird in public.\r\n\r\n-Sarah","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"