Remember that Eagle/Wind proverb I always quote? Well, here’s how it helped me get past screwing up on a standardized test. Just like the eagle needs wind to soar higher, we need to be challenged to grow. Writing the LSAT this summer was one of the most challenging experiences of my life. I studied every day for two months and still let my anxiety get in the way to screw up my final score. It was just the ultimate downhill experience.
The thought of reading that one rule wrong in the first set of logic games has been haunting me all summer. It was all rainbows and unicorns until I got to the second logic games section, having aced the experimental one -_-. After realizing I made a mistake in the first game, I went back and decided to double check and wrong-ify all my initial answers. I was just a hot mess that day. Everything from having to go to McMaster for the first time to write it, my parents not understanding how stressed I was and hating on the discriminatory tendencies of standardized testing, I wrote the test from a not-so-stable mindset.
The bright side of this failure is that I am no longer scared! I needed to fall down to come back harder. I needed to experience failure to refuel my drive and relearn my desire for law school. The fall helped me initiate a state of reflective withdrawal – story of my summer. I spent a lot of time just thinking and feeling. And now I am ready to go Chuck Norris on the October LSAT.
Because the element of the unknown is lessened, I feel less anxiety about writing it a second time. I know in my heart that I have it in me to ace it. I always rock reading comprehension, just innately get the logical reasoning questions and over time have strengthened my logic games skills. Time management has also never been an issue for me. I just need to learn to control my anxiety better and figure out how to write the test from a calm state of mind.
It’s just hard to confidently answer questions when you have a hummingbird for a heart and fast-forwarded thoughts. The thing with anxiety is that it places your body in a physical state which produces a reduction of hope, confidence and self-worth internally. It’s like sometimes my body is my own worst enemy. I hate that my biggest weakness is something out of my control – almost like an external force, outside of me for everybody to see. I don’t understand why this is happening to be honest. I can usually convert my nervous energy into productive energy and ace whatever I am worried about. This time is different, I guess. This test is not just your average test. In some ways, it’s THE test. The one I need to do well on in order to actualize my dreams.
And I will. I am going to ace this test or die trying. I was not raised a quitter. No more pity party. Only positivity, hope and practise from this point onwards! Instead of visualizing me receiving “bad news” in the mail or thinking of what to post on Facebook after I fail the test, BEFORE even writing it, I am going to start visualizing me ACING it. I am going to start unleashing the power of will by first bringing into existence the possibility of success in my mind.
Starting now, I am going to write a prep test section a day and a timed prep test whenever I can find a four-hour window in my schedule. On top of the actual prep, I am going to fix my diet, exercise and sleep regimen to make sure my body is physically fit and ready to rock this test. B12 will be my best friend for the next few months. And on top of all that, I am going to mute that craycray voice in my head which keeps telling me “you iz stupid.”
How exactly am I going to do this you ask?
Through comedy. If I can find a way to laugh at something, it becomes less scary for me and my anxiety disappears almost completely. I use humour to cope. So I have turned the LSAT into one big parody in my mind. And so, I am going to approach writing it a second time from the perspective of pageant queen Honey BooBoo Child. Confident, Sassified and hard-working.
PS. If you are too lazy to read the post above, here is my LSAT story told through GIFs from “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo”
When I found out the score from my June LSAT:
and realized I had to rewrite in October:
How I felt about LSAC and the legal world post-LSAT:
After a summer full of pep talks and reflection, how I feel about re-writing now:
And so, GAME ON