By Heather Watts
You were born late on a cold November night. At that moment, I also experienced a rebirth of sorts. When you were first placed in my arms, I felt more weight than the 10 pounds 2 ounces announced by the nurse. I felt the weight of your safety; physical, emotional, spiritual, and the great honour bestowed upon me to guide you through life. The weight of responsibility was overwhelming. You watch my every move, listen to my every word, and observe every emotion. What traditions I decide to practice, what language I speak, my hobbies, how I deal with sorrow, how I express joy, are all going to shine through as ‘the way’ to be.
My wish for you is to use the seven sacred teachings as a guide during your walk through life, and find your own ‘way’. These teachings are truth, honesty, humility, love, respect, courage and wisdom. These teachings offer an alternative way of thinking about our life journeys, one that breaks free from a colonial lens. I urge you to constantly challenge what has been constructed as ‘normal’, how Whiteness has been constructed as ‘normal’, and know that your knowledge, and the knowledge of your ancestors is valid.
Truth. I urge you to seek a life full of truth. Do not live as a pretender. I have lived as a pretender in many ways for too long. I have put on a smile and laughed when I have been insulted or hurt. I have acted as if I am ‘okay’ when things were falling apart. This burden I have felt was working to prevent making situations uncomfortable for non-racialized individuals . I am not advocating for you to be completely unfiltered, but there is nothing wrong with becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable. This is where growth occurs.
I have noticed that some BIPOC parents expect their children to be ‘stoic’, to be ‘brave’, not to cry, but instead suck the tears back and be tough. I do not want you to pretend. I want you to feel. You are not any less because you show emotion. You are not any less because something moves you to tears, joy or heartbreak. I would often go into my own world of joy to block out the noise of trauma as a child. I would pretend. I learned to be ‘tough’ by being quiet early in life. I learned not to ‘tell’ on people who hurt me. But what really would have been tough would have been to feel, and to stand up for myself. Your emotions matter; your voice matters.
Honesty & Humility. One of the teachings your Grandpa shared with me as a young girl was the eagle feather. An eagle feather has two sides, connected by a stem in the middle. One side of the feather represents honesty. To be honest with yourself comes in many capacities, including recognizing your shortcomings, realizing when it is time to let go of something that no longer serves in your growth, and hold true to your own values. The other side of this feather represents kindness. We are often our own worst critic. I know this all too well. It is important to celebrate your successes, hold yourself close when needed, and to exercise leniency when necessary. The stem that holds these two sides together represents balance. It will be a constant struggle to be honest with yourself while also trying to be kind to yourself. There have been seasons of my life where I have been too honest, too critical, too analytical, that I forgot how to actually be. To take risks. To love myself. There have also been times where I have been much too kind, and have failed to hold myself accountable, and have ignored my values. Seek the balance, my son.
Respect. I write this as you are five years old. You have already learned a great deal about respecting others. You have heard it in the songs we listen to, the books we read, the television shows we watch. You have heard so much about sharing with others at school. What I want you to know, is how crucial it is to respect yourself. Love and accept yourself unconditionally. You will always have yourself when friendships and relationships come and go, so make it your best relationship. Be kind, respectful and loving to yourself regardless of what life deals you. I wish someone had told me how important it is to respect oneself. I have changed who I was in order to belong. To find acceptance.
Courage. To be perfectly honest, fitting in, or belonging may feel difficult for you. We often gravitate toward people who are similar to us, perhaps people who look like us. You are a child of an Indigenous mother and a Dominican father. You are a young Afro-Latinx-Indigenous boy. When you were born, my family rejoiced at the fact that you were the ‘perfect shade of brown’, that no one would mistake you for white. Your father’s family rejoiced at the fact that you were lighter than most of his family. You are still dark, but no one would mistake you for black. You stand in the middle of a tension that you did not influence or create.
Desmond Cole (2017) says that “there is no domain in Canadian life that racism and anti-Black racism does not exist”. We see this in our own communities. What I hope for you, is that you have the courage to engage in dialogue and work to disrupt this discrimination in the circles you choose to be in. I hope you have the courage to engage in meaningful solidarity with others, where you are committed to action, not just reflection. Do not fall into the trap of ‘reciprocity politics’, and only show up for those who have done something for you. Show up for others because it is the right thing to do, because we must work to dismantle systems that perpetuate harm, and because life is sacred.
Wisdom. You will have many teachers in your life; your father and I being the first. You will have professors, coaches, and managers who will impart their knowledge on you, perhaps with good intentions. Be careful of those who seem they are supporting you from the perspective of ‘saviour’, as you do not need saving. No one’s word is absolute. Anyone can give you something to ponder, something to think about, something to interrogate, but you decide what is true and what you will keep with you. Do not just accept what others say because of their status, affiliations, or degrees in higher education.
Do not forget about the teachers that sit outside the walls of institutions, our Elders, our knowledge keepers. Their knowledge is valuable. While it is not recorded in a textbook, their knowledge is sacred, and our time with them is sacred as well. This knowledge is heard in our languages, in our longhouses, in the very plants we grow, and the games we play. This knowledge grounds us, and will carry us into the future.
I will always remember the pride I felt as I watched you listen and watch Elder Fred Kelly so intently at a ceremony during our first month at Harvard. You listened to him give thanks to the Creator. You listened to the beat of the drum during a traveling song. You watched as he smudged himself with sage and smoked his ceremonial pipe. About a week later, Grandpa visited us. He smudged our apartment, cleaning out any negative energy and welcoming our energies to this new home. You walked out of the bedroom, looked at me and said “I know that smell. That smells like ceremony”. Grandpa and I shared a smile. That smell reminds us of ceremony, too.
Love. When I was a child, “I love you” was not a common phrase used in our household. I guess there was an assumption that we all loved one another and didn’t need to voice it. Over the years, I observed interactions with your great-grandparents and Grandma and Grandpa, and noticed there was not an abundance of “I love yous” being said there either. The truth is, I would’ve liked to have heard “I love you” as a child. I would’ve liked to have heard it more as a teenager, or young adult. There is no weakness in expressing your love for others. Do it. And do it often.
Konnoronhkwa, Ahsontakta. I love you, Along the night (your Mohawk name).
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Heather, you’re such a beautiful writer. This is so wonderfully articulated and gives me so much to think about in terms of the conversations I have with the twins. Thank you for sharing this beautiful post!