Persona – Ade

I’m really excited to start my second year in my PhD. I can’t wait to work on my dissertation, but this means that my workload will increase even more. Ever since my back injury when I was 16, I have been dealing with physical pain in my back, my hips, my legs. When I am stressed, I experience flare-ups from my chronic pain that lasts from days to months. When the pain worsens, I need a cane to support myself. Sometimes, the pain gets so bad that I can’t sleep, which makes me feel tired and frustrated because I can’t fully show up for work and for my social plans.

Because my disability is invisible to others, especially when I don’t use my cane, I feel that no one else fully understands what I am going through. To add to this, I find myself picking between my Black identity and my disability identity when I’m with other students. When I do find myself in spaces where I can talk about my disability, I can't find others who can relate to the experience of being Black. It’s hard to explain that being black and being disabled means that I get treated differently than other disabled students, and it’s difficult for others to genuinely get me if they haven’t lived through what I have gone through.

Yesterday, I went to a social for Black students at a student club I’m part of. It was nice to be in a space where I am surrounded by others who get what it’s like to be part of a minority at U of T. Even though I talked a bit with others, I was hesitant to talk about disability because no one mentioned it. I wanted to share with others how my disability has impacted my experiences as a student, but I felt awkward bringing it up in this space. Also, the event was mostly undergrads, and I couldn’t find things to talk about with them, especially as I’ll be 30 next year.

By the time the social was over, I was exhausted. I’ve been pushing through fatigue and discomfort throughout the day. I had planned to attend our department’s workshop afterwards, but I knew I’d be overexerting myself, so I decided to head home. On the TTC, I sat on a priority seat because of how painful it was to stand. People stared and glared at me as the train cart got crowded. I could tell they assumed that I was just selfishly taking up the seat because I didn’t have my cane. So I just sat there in pain, too tired to justify myself to strangers, feeling judged and bitter.

I wish I could meet others who are like me – I just want to talk to someone who gets what it’s like to always be dealing with pain that others don’t notice. I wish that people could be less judgmental and understand that they can’t see my struggles. Are there people like me at university? Am I the odd one out? Will someone ever understand what I go through?